#Singleness et al.
Hello, there. Welcome to my late night random thoughts and feelings.
Don't click the "Read the rest of this post" if you don't want your nose to bleed. Kidding!
I don't know. It must be the weather or the fact that last year things were doing great for me, sort of. It must be the fact that everytime people see me, a familiar person would always ask "Why are you still single?" Was that a rhetorical question or do I need to answer that?
I think I have pretty much good self esteem but when this question pops up, I'm like "Fuck. Something might be wrong with me because I'm still single." Then I point out things with myself why I'm still single.
No. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or demean myself and be all out insecure. I'm just trying to be level-headed with everything, or something like that.
Reasons why I'm still single, according to me and according to everyone else (and my rationalizations.) :
1. I'm not the "conventionally" pretty or beautiful. Okay. That's pretty shallow, I know, but the point is, I don't fall into the "chinita" category, or the "tisay" category, or whatever category there is, not that I agree with categorizing people in the first place. Or the fact that I'm not stick thin, not tall enough, too curvy blah blah blah. Scratch this reason off. I may not be the most good looking person in the world but I look good, okay? According to me.
2. I'm too choosy or that my standards for the people I date are too high. I don't know. Do I have high standards? I look back people I used to date and wow, could I have been more stupid? Okay. If I were to set standards now, it will be simple and not shallow. I want a guy my parents like for me (although the last guy I dated was seem likable and harmless yet he turned out to be a monster.) , I want a guy who is stable or at least has a direction in life, I want a guy who pays on a date or at least lets me pay what is due for me only (I dated a guy who made me pay for everything -- movies, snacks, desserts, I even drove him home. Fuck.) I want a guy who goes to church, I want a guy who at least has a passion in life and not just be a dumb person who is too mainstream and follows all the trends set by consumeristic giants, I want a guy who has correct grammar and pronunciation in English, the list goes on and on but bottomline is: I want a guy who can prove to me that's he's not like any other guy I dated. Yes, it sounds cliche but yeah -- that guy.
3. I have trust issues. Hmm, dating someone who brought me to hell and back and I felt like made me ride a rollercoaster of emotions a hundred times over and over again until there's nothing left for me to grasp, yes, I got to have trust issues. It's what you get from being broken and I think I need to work on that part of me.
4. I'm too broken and scarred. Hahaha. It sounds dramatic and you wouldn't imagine me saying that because I'm such a happy person but if you knew what I went through, you wouldn't look at me the same way you're looking me now. In fact, I'm sure you'll hug me and want to kill the person who made me this level of broken-ness. I admit I'm picking up the pieces, I'm trying to be a good person again, I'm really trying my best and I feel that dating a guy so I could take revenge on the shitty things that happened to me and break his heart will be really unfair. I'm not ready to invest feelings again for someone because I'm scared I'll be hurt again.
5. My parents are strict, I don't have control of my schedule everyday, I have curfews. This is self-explanatory. Definitely.
6. I intimidate guys. It's probably the car, the personality, the friends, the grades, the things I like, I don't know what exactly. I mean seriously, I'm not high maintenance and I can take care of myself. I take simple joys in eating shawarma rice and kwek-kwek. If you know what I mean.
7. I have an appetite that's comparable to a guy's. A guy friend told me that if I will have a boyfriend someday, that guy better have a big appetite too, or a big wallet since I eat a lot. Do I eat a lot? Hahaha. I mean, my logic is this: I'd rather not have new clothes or shoes as long as I can eat in a restaurant that I want to eat in or I can eat my favorite food over and over again.
8. I'm too intelligent -- a guy I used to date told me this. This got me wondering, really? I'm too intelligent or you're just insecure of my intelligence per se. I tried "toning down" the intelligence factor, you know, play stupid even though you know you're being stupid and where did it get me? Refer to number 4 please.
9. I'm selfish and impatient. Selfish that I think of my welfare more than anyone all the time and impatient because I like to talk things out now during a fight rather than wait for things to cool down or the fact that you're supposed to tell me something and then you're going to leave it for later, it slowly kills me to wait. I don't want to wait.
10. I'm waiting for someone. Big question mark. Everybody seems to tell me this, you're probably waiting for *insert name here* and the fact that he said he'll only date someone who never had a boyfriend ever makes me unconsciously "save" my no boyfriend since birth status in life. But really, am I waiting for him? Do I really torture myself with unrequited love because it's so fun to love someone who'll never love you? Oh, I'm so screwed. Hahaha.
I know friends are desperately trying to help me find a date or a boy toy or a rebound or somewhere in between those lines. I guess I'm just a complicated person and I have trust issues and I don't want to invest any goddamn feelings I have left just to anyone for the meantime.
Hmm. Maybe someday I'll be ready, and by that time, it's not yet too late.

