#Feelings 2012

The year is about to end, and there are some feelings, actions, attitude towards life in general that I want to change for 2013.

Not exactly a 2013 New Year's Resolution, more of a summary of how I suck as a person. Haha.

I AM IMPATIENT. I tend to have a timeframe for everything and I despise myself whenever this "timeframe" isn't followed. No, it's not just being tardy or cancelling appointments and whatnots, but goals, plans, and expectations to be exact. There are a number of times this year that I cried a lot because some things are delayed and I was expecting it would be on time (work-related) and I can't do anything about it. I just have to be patient, more patient, most patient.

I GIVE A FCK ON WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL SAY OR THINK. Yeah, I may seem to be the kind to be "Whatever, I don't give a fck." but in reality I really, really, really care a lot on what other people will say or think. And because of this attitude, I jinx a lot of things. Jinx is probably an understatement here. Haha.

I AM HARD-HEADED. Ask my friends, ask why they roll their eyes whenever I seek for advice -- because I ask for these but I do things my way, still. I am knowledgeable on certain things yet I continue to be tolerant, borderline martyr (in retrospect) because well, I do things my way. I've made some pretty sucky decisions this year because of this hardheadedness, and I try not to regret about it now. Try is the operative word.

I COMPLAIN A LOT. I complain and whine on a daily basis, to the littlest things to the relevant things (that I must say, complaining is acceptable.) and I know I shouldn't do it because compared to other people I am still lucky and blessed. But I still do it! Ugh. I'm complaining again.

I AM AVOIDANT. I am annoyed by your presence, I avoid you. I didn't like what you said to me, I avoid you. We have a misunderstanding, I avoid you. My parents won't let me out of the house, I avoid talking to them. That's how I was wired I guess, that the best way to settle things is to avoid them. Which is really a bad way to solve things, I know.

I TEND TO THINK OF THE WORST THINGS POSSIBLE THAT MAY HAPPEN TO ME, AND I DO A "RUN THROUGH" OF IT JUST TO SEE HOW IT FEELS. No, I'm not self destructive, it's just that whenever something good comes up in my life, I think of the bad way it might end and I prepare for it already - like preparing my feelings, how I'm going to cope up with it, etc. Yes, this is love related. I am quite pessimistic with love. Read on: JINX.

I FEEL GUILTY AFTER EATING. I think this is probably self explanatory already.

I AM A SUCKY DRIVER. One accident this year, wasn't my fault but still an accident. I'm not the most peaceful driver on the road, my mom usually reprimands me because I blurt out pamuyayaws when I hate the jeepney drivers cutting lines in front of me. I am also a passive aggressive kind of driver, the kind that pisses you off by driving really slow in front of you. Wah.

I HAVE BIG EXPECTATIONS. I've read it somewhere, that you tend to expect because you know that you expect yourself to do these things to the other person too. Guess what, it doesn't always happen and it always leads to disappointments.

I TEND TO DEVALUE MYSELF. Quoting from POBAW, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Holds true, right? Except that sometimes I don't know how much I deserve actually or I question what I've accepted, if it's really what I deserve - or less, or more. So I tend to devalue myself and well, settle to whatever there is.

I AM THE WORST PERSON TO LOVE. I consider myself as "damaged goods" so I try to repeat in my head all my mistakes for this year as a daily reminder of things I should never do again when it comes to love so I tend to be #bitterforevs (Yes, hashtag intended. Haha.) and miss out enjoying some things in life. I am selfish because I tried putting someone else before me before and it didn't work out so I'm never doing that again. I am extra careful nowadays because I don't want to trust easily. These are just a few things and there's probably more reasons.

NOTE: I know this post is sort of pessimistic, negative, not at all happy. It's going to be a reminder for me that I need to change these for the coming year and I want to look back by December 2013 and be happy that I've tried (at least) to change these things. See, that's being optimistic.

Happy new year!