#must get this out of my system
This is a very personal post, so if you really don't want to get caught up with my emotions (also I'm PMS-ing now) please don't proceed.
I have been struggling for the past few months.
It's the struggle to see someone bad for you or to not see that person. I'm caught up with doing the right thing and just go all out rebellious and be reckless, what the hell. It's about the person I became because of him versus the person I want to be.
I am questioning myself and (of course) my feelings, if it is indeed love that I'm feeling, or maybe I'm just after some of my so called needs. The latter seems to be my train of thought, so I kept myself busy and tried my best not to reply to texts. Simply ignore.
It worked for a few months, but then my volunteer program ended and I"m back to being a bum and then, his presence was felt again. Call me stupid or acting like one, but yeah, I entertained thoughts of meeting up with him again.
I was supposed to meet up with him this Wednesday, but I decided not to. I prayed more fervently than I usually do, because I really want to stop getting tempted and I know what will happen again, what happens after -- it's the fricking never ending cycle that I memorized all parts already. I asked God for a sign, or an intervention, that will just make me believe that I'm doing the right thing of saying NO.
I got my answer this evening. Someone messaged me on facebook, it was his friend, according to him, but of course, I know better. This was an ex girlfriend or a current one. To be honest, I didn't feel any hatred towards the girl because I have been expecting everything that she's going to share or say to me. I find it funny when she said that she's scared to tell me that indeed she became the girlfriend only for a few weeks, then the guy decided to dump her. Of course I knew she was dumped. Why? Because it was the same day that the guy texted me and I was telling him that probably a girl (I never mentioned her name to him) will be angry if we see each other again and he said she will not get angry because she doesn't have the right to be angry because they're just friends.
Are you getting the gist of this?
To keep our hours of messaging each other back shorter, I got to learn what happened to them, the reasons of the breakup, and she also asked me questions which I don't mind answering, questions about me and the guy, etc.
Now my realizations.
He is the biggest jerk, liar, manipulative person that I have ever known and I don't know why the girl can manage to forgive him so easily. She's too nice. He always picks on girls who are too nice and would rather keep quiet than make a scene of his assholeness.
His "moves" from last year up until this very day is still the same and girls still fall under that same "I'm a good guy slash I won't hurt you guy slash I'm a different guy slash you can trust me guy" persona. How do I know all of this? More than a year of going through that makes me know him better than anyone else.
The girl shared how hurt she was, and I didn't say anything, but at the back of my mind, I wanted to tell her that what you felt or feeling right now, or whatever happened to both of you, it isn't even a tenth of what I experienced with him. As I always say, it's been like I've been to hell and back and I had no clue of what happened afterwards.
It's always the same realization. I should have listened to a friend who knows him personally, I should have saved myself from the hurt blah blah blah.
The girl was shocked on how nonchalant I was with his cheating and his hookups. To be cheated on (except we weren't together and there's no commitment so it's not really strictly cheating per se) a few times, learning about it, confronting him, his abrupt ends to this so called diskartes and relationships -- I know the drill and I'm tired of it already.
Why do these girls always ask me why me and him weren't together? The girl even told me that maybe he's in love with me to begin with. Hmm. See this is how I put it, I do not hope that we'll end up together (and I say this with all honesty) because I cannot imagine having a life with him, but rather I hope that he'll change his ways. He does not love me, people. If he did before, it ended when I said YES to whatever we decided on. If he loves me, he wouldn't let me go through all this. If he loves me, he would have realized it a long time ago and said it to me upfront. Yes, I'm being hard on myself but this is how I put things in their perspective. I do not wear rose colored glasses in any relationship. I try to keep it real all the time.
One little truth that made me question myself was the fact that she became his girlfriend and he did commit to her even just for a few weeks. You see, he's afraid of commitments and I wasn't offered that same status if you'd like to call it as one. Talking with a good friend (who happens to be a mutual friend of his too) gave up this insecurity. Point taken, his friend offered commitment in exchange for the three letter word and when the girl cannot give it to him, he dumps her. Jerk move.
Considering all his girls and their experiences, I had the worst and it's unimaginable. You wouldn't believe that a well bred, properly raised only child could do such things and would settle for that certain situation, and I'm a boat trip far away.
You see now, I deserve a lot better than him. Not considering the looks, and the proper English grammar (because that's me and my shallowness) I deserve a man who will not complicate my life and make me feel that I have to compete for his attention.
Right now I'm praying to get this seek for revenge feeling to go away. I mean you know, I had plans to go there and smash his car windows and tail lights, scratch his car doors, spray paint the word "JERK" or "MANWHORE" in his windshield, pop his tires until they're flat. Yes, that sort of seek for revenge feeling. With all the things he has done, a broken car is one of the very least he would deserve.
My head hurts but at least this sort of thing really helps. I read past posts (in tumblr) about what I went through with him and it's tedious. Being patient and tolerant is tedious especially if the other person doesn't give a fuck.
I give up on you, C. Go fix yourself because I cannot fix you anymore.
